Heartbreak

Today was really rough. I found out 2 of my friends are expecting. Really?! 2 in one day?!! As hard as I try, I just cannot feel happy for them! I feel pissed. Pissed that it happens to everyone else around us so easily. Pissed that I even have this dream in my heart of being a mother. Pissed that life can be so unfair and cruel. I am hurting so badly that I can’t even cry. The tears don’t come out. Usually I have a good cry-fest when someone announces a pregnancy but not tonight. It is a pain too deep and yet so familiar and surreal. It’s almost like this isn’t my life. It can’t be. I have dreamt and imagined having children since I can remember. Yet this is my cruel reality. How much longer will my heart be filled with doubt? How much longer will I feel this emptiness? If God didn’t want me to have children then why place this desire so profoundly in my heart? Usually I am optimistic but tonight I am blank. There is only loneliness and sadness and despair where my usual hopefulness lies.

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4 thoughts on “Heartbreak

  1. My heart aches for you. I read your words and I nearly started crying myself, because I remember that pain. I remember my times of just feeling numb. The tears were just gone – I’d cried them all and there simply weren’t any left. I’m an atheist. I remember discussing my husband’s infertility with a friend one day (also an atheist). She asked me if it would be worthwhile to try turning to religion for some peace and some answers – she said that a lot of people have religion because of obstacles such as infertility, to give them answers. I shot down her idea immediately. To me, it isn’t comforting to think about how much I always dreamed of being a mother, how much children are my passion, what a nurturer I am, how much time I have put into other people’s children just waiting for the day to get to enjoy my own and then to think that “God decided to give me the obstacle of a sterile husband because he knew I could handle it, he knew I was strong enough.” To me, there is no bigger load of BS. Maybe that offers some people comfort, but not me. I like to believe that although I am not in control of everything that happens to me (because sometimes things just happen), it is up to me to do what I can to have as much control as possible. My advice to you: allow yourself to be sad. For tonight accept that you are lonely and sad – because OF COURSE YOU ARE! There is one thing in your life that you so desperately desire and crave and there are people everywhere who just get to have it without even trying! And they rub it in our faces (unintentionally). It is fine for you to feel hopeless sometimes, it is natural to have those feelings. But then tomorrow, you need to wake up pull yourself out of bed, and start finding things in your life that you CAN control. Go to the gym, eat healthy, re-consider all your options. Continue researching all your options. You never know when you’ll come across something new, or when an old idea might suddenly seem like a solution. When you’re sad, allow yourself to be sad – it is EXHAUSTING putting on a constant happy face. But then move on from the sad and seek things that will really make you happy. Do what you can to be in control, that’s the best advice I can give you. Someday you will be a mom. Because no one who wants it as badly as you obviously do, will go a lifetime without finding a way to be a mom. It may not be the way you always thought, it may not look the way you thought it would look – it will be more beautiful and more wonderful than you could have ever imagined. I hope you can feel the hug I am sending your way.

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