Today was really rough. I found out 2 of my friends are expecting. Really?! 2 in one day?!! As hard as I try, I just cannot feel happy for them! I feel pissed. Pissed that it happens to everyone else around us so easily. Pissed that I even have this dream in my heart of being a mother. Pissed that life can be so unfair and cruel. I am hurting so badly that I can’t even cry. The tears don’t come out. Usually I have a good cry-fest when someone announces a pregnancy but not tonight. It is a pain too deep and yet so familiar and surreal. It’s almost like this isn’t my life. It can’t be. I have dreamt and imagined having children since I can remember. Yet this is my cruel reality. How much longer will my heart be filled with doubt? How much longer will I feel this emptiness? If God didn’t want me to have children then why place this desire so profoundly in my heart? Usually I am optimistic but tonight I am blank. There is only loneliness and sadness and despair where my usual hopefulness lies.